I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
