you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
