i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
