Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
