She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The beer is more important than you right now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
