I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
