It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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