I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
