What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
