Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Congratulations! We have a period
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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