Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
