If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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