I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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