i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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