i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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