and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
