He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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