if you like me you must not know who I am
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
