Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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