I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
