You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
