he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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