I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
