Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
