i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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