he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
