Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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