Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
