I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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