im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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