i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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