I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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