i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's blow job season.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
