Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Actions speak louder than pants.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
