Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
