youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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