JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize