every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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