Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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