please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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