I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
