please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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