i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
