I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
