I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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