dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
