The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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