Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
