thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
