Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
