my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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