I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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