My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
