I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
