I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
