Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
