the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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