So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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